Kinoulton Villa 3 v 4 East Bridgford Vets

Date: March 20th 2016

Venue: Cotgrave

Starting Line Up

Jeff Haywood


Doug Jameson

Tom Clarke

Mark Wheeldon

David Walton

Tony Baldwin

Terry Linley

Simon Moore

Simon Thompson

Byron Burghart

AJ Haircut

John Fairbanks

KVV Goal Scorers: Burghart, Thompson, Moore

Man of the Match: Moore


Match Report

It is fair to say that Kinoulton Villa is not just a team, it is a football club. It's not just about those 11 players that take to the field each match and those that come on for Tom at half time when he is playing shit. It is much bigger than that. Kinoulton Villa is as much about what happens off the field as it is about what happens on it and with that every single member of the squad has a role to play in the running of this great football club. Colin, for example, spends minutes each week cooking the books, Jeff spends hours deliberating what team to name, Tony tells Jeff what team to name, Evan fetches Pizza, Terry eats it. Simon updates the website 3 weeks after each match and Tom funds the tour. So whilst the team may chop and change on a Sunday moring, players might lose their place in the side or play in unfamiliar areas, it is these off the field positions that are the lifeline of the club. It is this consistency that gels the team.


With this in mind, it was perhaps surprising that at this late stage of the season, manager Jeff Haywood, in an attempt to resurrect Villa's faultering season, decided to mix things up in that department. Doug, a true Villa veteran in every sense has been with the club since the beginning. A master of goal kicks and handing out the kit, his playing skills are outweighed only by his drinking ability. For years, Doug has turned up on a Sunday morning safe in the knowledge that he, and only he, will be sporting the most perfectly coiffeured head of hair in the team. A style so perfect that any boy band would be jealous. This was what Doug meant to the team. This was what made the man!


The pain on Doug's face was clear to see when Jeff intoduced his new signing. Akin to Jimmy Greaves being replaced by Geoff Hurst in 1966, here was young AJ proudly wearing the most groomed haircut anyone could imagine. Not only did his quiff shine gloriously in the beaming sun, the finely chiselled tram lines looked sharp enough to burst a balloon. Fortunately for Doug, AJ was a bit rubbish and probably won't play again.


Anyway, the game. It was a fairly hard fought battle. Kinoulton weren't helped by the fact that 3 of the starting line up had come straight from the dance floor of NG1 and were running like they had just come back from a fortnight of entertaining ladyboys on the streets of Bangkok.


The score remained blank for the first half an hour until East Bridgford's star striker lost his marker at a corner a slotted home well on the volley. Their lead was short lived, however, and within a few minutes, Tommo and Byron, in an unfamiliar striker roll, combined well with Byron finishing well with a good strike at the keepers near post. It looked like staying that way until the half time whistle but with the last kick of the half, Bridgford beat Jeff on his near post with an almost carbon copy goal to make it 2-1 at half time.


Bridgford's attack continued to cause problems for the Villa defence in the second half but both Tony, Wol along with Simon sat just in front of them were putting their bodies on the line to prevent the opposition from furthering their lead. Sadly, their efforts were in vain when an inoccuous looking cross struck John Ponytail on the hand and the ref pointed to the spot. Bridgford's main man duly completed his hat-trick and the game looked over.


Tommo gave Villa some hope when he finished well off a through ball from Tony but Bridgford quickly restored their lead with a well struck shot from outside the area that seemed to confuse Jeffo in the Villa net. With time running out, Villa pulled another goal back through man of the match Simon's deflected shot but it made no difference to the end result and Bridgford secured the game 4-3.


With 2 losses and 1 draw in their last 6 games there is a real danger of Villa doing an Arsenal and failing to live up to their early potential. What also remains to be seen is whether Doug can overcome this knock back especially given the new set of wheels he has just purchased to match his buffon.




Kinoulton Villa Vets

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