Kinoulton Villa Vets 8 v 0 Noel Street Blues

Date: March 19th 2017

Venue: Cotgrave

Starting Line Up

David Walton


Ian Thompson

Byron Burghart

Tony Baldwin

Mark Wheeldon

Tom Clarke

Paul Skinner

Simon Moore

Simon Thompson

Justin Bieber

Jim Gardner

Jeff Haywood

KVV Goal Scorers: Thompson.S (6), Skinner, Own Goal

Man of the Match: Thompson.S

Special Award: Gardner

Match Report

This week kindly written by one of the opposition players as he saw it....

We wuz a bit nervus bout playin Kinulton at first cuz dey all play at Cotrave innit and dey all cum from Derby and we knows dat dey all like farmyard animals and sheep and stuff up dat way. Maybes dat is why dey is all vets like? Although Pete sez that dey are not actual animal doctors but dat vets for dem means dat dey are just old and stuff and ave been in wars and shit. I can believe dat man coz some of dem wuz well old. Even older than like my grandad and he is like nearly 45 innit.

Both teams only ad 11 players each so dere was no subs or line men or nuffink although de ref was one of dere players and he was a well massive cheat man. At first dey started wiv just 3 defenders. Dat is well not in the rulez and they were like kicking the ball to each other and tackling us and shit. We sussed em out tho and made em change it when dere gymnast geezer got injured and went in goal. Dat meant that the Justin Bieber fella had to stop playin up front and he moved to right back. I fink the massive geezer with the baldy head up front was glad to get rid ov im to be honest coz as soon as Biebs was out of da way, the massive bloke scored and we wuz 1-0 down.

A bit after dat, the cheatin ref goes and gives dem a pen dunt he. Kaliber dint even do nuffink to da geezer apart from kick im and then trip im up. Since wen as dat even bin a pen? Its not like he netflixed his mum or nuffink lol. Kaliber wuz well vexed. We calls im Kaliber right cuz when we alls go out, he can drink like 3 bottles of Kaliber and he not even get pissed man. One night tho, he must av ad more dan dat coz he wuz well wasted and we alls got booted out of NG1. It was a sic night man. Anyways, the massive geezer smashed the pen away and it wuz 2-0.

I felts a bit soz for Jack who wuz playin in nets. He ad forgots his boots innit and he ad to plays in his new trainers man. He ad only got dem last week, 84 dollar from JD’s man! My bro, knows a geezer who cud have got da EXACT same pair of kicks for like 20 notes from some China dude on Arnold market. Anyways I fink Jack wuz a bit peeved coz he ad said no blastin innit but da cheatin geezer who took the pen dint listen. Jack must av been pissed man coz next minute he is like frowin da ball in da back of his own net and suddenly it is 3-0. Best fing was tho that dis Brian geezer on dere side starts celebratin and stuff and sayin it wuz his goal. Total jokes. He must been desperates if he finks a lame cross like dat deserves anyfink. But den he starts bleatin on bout 3 uvver OGs that he shud av. WTF dude!

Even tho’s we wuz losin like, we wuz still loadz better dan dem. You’s cud tell we wuz getting under dere skin coz this tall fella in da middle and dis like 47 year old pensioner geezer or somethink starts tryin to kick us all innit. We showed dem tho dint we coz dey only score 2 more goals in da first half.

Jack sed he wuz playin out of nets for da second arf as his kicks wuz totally ruined man. Dat elped at da back a bit and we fought we wuz well back in da game. Even those dey were still kickin lumps out of us we totally trolled them with our wicked bants and mazin skills. At one time right, we’s nearly even scored man. We wuz totally da better team.

Da cheatin ref gives dere massive striker dude another 2 goals tho and suddenly right, totals against the run of play, we is 7-0 down. But dat wuzn’t da end tho. Dis uvver James geezer, oo I finks is Biebers son or somefink, as a shot wich rebounds igh up in da sky and all he needs to do is ead it in right and wot does he do? He stretches out is arms, shapes up for a nice soft eader and then plops it straight on to the post man. Well funny! Dey wuz so bad, dey cud not even scores a goal wen dere is no keeper man. I finks da ref felt soz for him tho as he then gev the big geezer anuvva goal which meant he had like scored 30 goals in like 12 games or summet. I fink dey must av got dere numbers upside front or somefink.


Biebers lad wuz so bad dat dey ad to take im off even tho the only guy dey ad to cum on wuz like 94 years old or somethink innnit. Nuffink dey did could improve fings for dem tho and even wiv da new geezer dey still culd not score. In fact, dey did not score one single goal for the whole of da last 10 minutes. Man dey were so rubbish, I do not knows why we’s bovver.

Final scores 8-0 innit but no way wud dey have won if dey ad not ad a cheatin ref and that massive geezer scoring all dem goals. Or dem fellas at da back with Justin Bieber who kept tacklin us wen we wuz just about to score or dat Dennis Skinner chap who wuz tryin to mug us off wiv his fancy feet and cleva runs. As for dat Justin Bieber fella, yeah well my momma don’t like you eeva dude and she definitely likes everyone. Literally man. I’m tellin ya. EV-RY-ONE. I av to just stay in my room sum times right cuz dere is so many geezers in da house. Know what I mean?

Anyways, just coz dey is old, dey finks dey is better than us. But we proves today innit dat age is not always better than beauties. You get me?



Kinoulton Villa Vets

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